UNDERSTANDING FORGIVENESS
Forgiveness of a simple offense is a simple matter. But for those deep destructive hurts that leave cripplingly scars, emotional handicaps, and haunting quirks that destroy us from the inside out, forgiveness becomes a process, not a simple action. Applying the understanding of simple forgiveness to a complex problem doesn’t work and leads to deeper despair. It’s like learning to make paper airplanes, then trying to fly a jumbo jet. Both are flights, both are airplanes, but are two separate planets. We know that to be forgiven requires our own willingness to forgive others. People will sincerely try to forgive on a simple level, but often their attempts fail because simple forgiveness will not work where complex forgiveness is needed. Those who fail draw the conclusion that they cannot forgive, or that forgiveness doesn’t work. Thus, they are eaten up and destroyed from the inside out by their fears or bitterness. So, these brave hurting soldiers of the cross carry a deep hidden secret of bitterness and resentment. Sometimes their outward circumstances force them to live a double life. Their walk with God changes from knowing God and living right, to feeling violated and afraid of God. They forsake a religion of righteousness and purity and embrace a religion of works and sincerity, all the while convincing themselves and hoping that somehow God understands and will overlook their bitterness. Some have been so damaged by their inability to forgive that their failures become darker and heavier than the original offense that started it. Some have been driven to extreme atrocities, breakdowns, and darkness so deep that suicide seems to be their only escape.
These tragic tales are often fostered by the misconception of what forgiveness really is. Even well-meaning and sincere people who love us often try to help with the simple concept of simple forgiveness. Their sincere attempts to help become the very weapon that kills us. We say, “We have tried forgiveness and it doesn’t work.” Again, simple forgiveness will not work on complex issues. We sometimes blame God for the failure, thus plunging us into even deeper despair and darkness. Sincere people truly mean well, but by not understanding the depths of the darkness, or the answers to it, is a clear indication they have never faced the depths or the damage of the battles themselves.
Many have tried to forgive, but their understanding of forgiveness was based on simple forgiveness. Simple forgiveness says someone stepped on my toes; I need to get over it. And if I don’t, I’m met with harsh verbal attacks about my maturity. While that may be the case in the simple forgiveness we teach children, it has no bearing what-so-ever on the tragic scars we are sometimes forced to carry. These are two separate worlds all together. Let us examine what forgiveness is not! It may reveal where some of our battles are coming from.
The first step to understanding complex forgiveness is to first understand what forgiveness is NOT.
What Forgiveness is Not:
1. Accepting the blame: If you didn’t do it, then you didn’t do it. Forgiveness will not change that.
2. Blaming others: If what somebody did was wrong, then it is still wrong. Forgiveness will not change that.
3. Justifying anyone’s wrong action: Forgiveness doesn’t turn wrong into right.
4. Demanding vengeance: Forgiveness does not clear the way for retaliation. More is said about this later.
5. Re-establishing trust: Trust must always be earned, not forwarded or loaned. Forgiveness does not change that.
6. Re-establishing communication: Certain people are destructive to you, the values that you hold, and the people you love. To allow them to destroy you because you forgave is contrary to scripture and common sense. Avoiding them is not a sign of bitterness. It’s them reaping from their own actions. Don’t cast your pearls before swine.
7. Justifying bitterness: Two wrongs don’t equal a right. What happened was wrong. Getting bitter over it is much worse. Bitterness is a clear sign of a lack of forgiveness, (or lack of a clear understanding of what forgiveness is not!) And if we find that forgiveness doesn’t work, then we must go back to God and start over with what forgiveness really is.
8. Erase what happened: Forgive and forget is not always a reality and sometimes not even a possibility. Forgiveness does not erase the scars we must sometimes live with. Learn from the experience, adjust your own compass, and keep going forward, but don’t repeat the experience. God can be selective of what he remembers. We are not God so we cannot do that. Forgiveness does not make us God. When we live with the scars, we can’t erase what happened.
9. Restore love: Love is not a switch or a flashcard remedy. True love takes time. To resurrect love out of the ashes of pain, takes even longer. To love the offender is a process on our part. It takes time to heal and recover. Forgiveness doesn’t change that.
10.Forgiveness is not making or allowing myself to be the scapegoat or the whipping post for anyone, at any time, or anywhere!
Complex Forgiveness
1. Complex forgiveness is letting go of all of it, by giving all of it to God.
2. This can only happen when we come to the realization that we can’t take it anymore.
3. As long as you’re willing to hang on to any part of it, then God will continue to let you suffer from what you refuse to let go of!
4. Anything we don’t let go of we will continue to be the victim of.
5. Once these are turned over to God, they become his battles, not ours! God never loses a battle!
6. No one can take us out of our father’s hand!
7. However, this giving it to God, is not an instant act or experience. It is a process.
The Process of Complex Forgiveness
The parts of the process itself probably won’t happen in rapid sequence. They can, but normally scars and healing take time. Blessed is the man who can settle it in his heart to go through with God as fast as possible! It may take time for us to turn these things over in our mind and count the cost! Then we must prepare our hearts to accept them and act upon them until they become a part of our lives. To rush through them because we agree with them in our minds, is not the same as acting upon them in faith and consistency from the heart. A wise king will count the cost of the battle before he charges headlong, into the fray. Keep asking God to help you at every turn of the road and every step.
Also, deliberately place yourself under the mercy of God by means of prayer, reading scripture, obedience, and avoiding those things that trigger an internal war. This may not be possible at first. But setting time aside every day to practice these things will build results! The darkness we have fallen into may be accidental on our part, or intentional on the part of someone else, but the road out must always consist of deliberate acts on our part. We must ask ourselves; do we want out, or do we want to rot here? Getting out and getting the victory will not be accidental. If we want to rot there, all we have to do is nothing!
1. We must first reach the place where we want to change. It is possible to be so embittered that all we want is revenge. At that point, darkness has become our refuge. We point the finger of blame and justify ourselves, based on their wrong. We blame them for our sad condition. This may be entirely true, but the real question is, “Do we want to live under the tragic fallout from the attack, or do we want to be delivered from it?” Like the prodigal son who “came to himself,” he had to realize his emptiness and remember that his father’s house had plenty. He wanted to change. But wanting to change is not the same as changing! He could have blamed a lot of things and perhaps been right in some of it. But his real deliverance would only come through his personal choice to act upon it! We find that he arose and went to his father’s house! We too must come to our ourselves, our desperate case realized, and change our course for the father’s house! It is possible for us to walk in the sunshine and feel the warmth of God’s love once again! But God kidnaps no one. We must want to go and we must go!
2. We must realize we can’t do it on our own. We need God’s help to change. If we could do it on our own, we would not still be there or suffered like we have. Asking God to help us change is vital.
3. If we were to be brutally honest with ourselves, we would have to admit there are things in our lives that God is not pleased with. Things that may or may not have anything to do with the original dark experience. However, we must ask God to forgive us of ALL our sin. God will not cut a shady deal on half sin. There are no discount coupons on forgiveness. It’s everything or nothing. God is serious about it and so must we be.
4. Giving it all to God does not happen by us just by thinking about it. We must act upon what God shows us. Are you tired of living under the heaviness and darkness of the battle? Identify the things that trigger the battle within and avoid those triggers. And when we fall into those triggers ask God to help. Even if victory takes time, it is time well spent!
5. Accepting the blame is a common church jargon that is used by people who don’t have a clue what they are talking about. It may sound good in religious zeal, and they even try to justify it by calling it humility. But, in the bitter world of darkness, accepting the blame is surrender to the enemy. It is surrendering your dignity for an act you did not do. It surrenders your self-esteem and your sense of right and wrong. And when you discover it was a terrible mistake to confess to something you did not do, it will destroy you even more when you try to set things straight. The same ones who said to accept the blame will stand in line to call you a liar, based on what you already “confessed to.”
You can probably guess the enemy of your soul will not accept any blame, and he will take full advantage of you when you do so for things you did not do. Remember, when you accept the blame for something you did not do, you are also accepting the blame for many other things that you had no knowledge of, but were connected to. The workers of darkness will heap things up that you didn’t know existed! When you foolishly accept the blame, you take on all the hidden gossip and condemnation that you had no knowledge of!
6. Blaming others has some interesting effects that are hidden. Every person has a sense of justice somewhere inside of them. It’s natural and healthy to see some terrible injustice get its reward. Pointing the finger of blame is to say they did it and need to be punished. This stems from that sense of rightness that we all possess. But the truth of the matter is, if they don’t repent, they will be punished with an eternal punishment from God. You don’t need to point any blame to anyone, Let God will do that! They are not getting away with anything. Even if they have hidden it from the whole world, they cannot hide it from God. This brings us back to that challenge of giving all of it to God. Are we willing to surrender our right of vengeance to Gods control? This is all part of “do you want to change? Do you want out?” You have to make a decision at this point. If you want to rot in darkness, all you have to do is nothing. The things we don’t surrender to God will become our tormenters in the future.
7. The thought of seeing someone burning in hell or even in the lake of fire, should make you sick.
Weather you give your bitterness and desire for revenge to God, or decide to burn in hell with it, will make no difference on someone else’s outcome! It will not keep them from going to Hell, neither will it send them there! But it will take you with them! Like that king, you must count the cost of your actions before you make any hasty decisions. In counting the cost, remember: it’s YOUR cost you are counting, not theirs!
8. Once we surrender our right to vengeance to God, it satisfies that inner demand for justice. There is a certain measure of peace that comes with that surrender. Now comes the next bridge we must cross. If we have truly given that to God, we must take our hands off! Giving it to God is putting it on Gods altar. Not everything we give to God is our best. Don’t be surprised if he asks for your worst darkness also! When you decide to go back and “beat them up a little” because they deserve it, you are taking them back off of God’s altar, and telling God to go away. Is that what you want to do? The temptation may be great to rehearse the matter and point the blame once again. But remember, you surrendered that vengeance to God. If you go back and start reliving the nightmare, you will also get all the darkness that went with it!
9. Forgiveness is the key that turns reliving the trauma, with all its heaviness, into learning from it, with all of its peace!
10. It isn’t that we will not remember what happened, but we must face those memories, and maintain the spirit of forgiveness! Remember to put things in the best light as we truthfully can. Don’t make excuses for them, but consider other issues that kindly help us to understand them. They are hurting also. They may hide it, lie about it, and continue to blame you, but God’s word says every man has a conscience. They would do well to start listening to it!
11. So, you have given them to God, then you stop blaming them, (remember pointing the blame = they did it= they need to be punished!) because you’re letting God take care of it.
12. And when you are forced to face a trigger point (memory), you sidestep it by putting it into a kinder and more noble light. Don’t sugar it up and make them look like the hero, because they are not. That’s called being positive about it. Don be a false positive! Be real and be kind. Don’t rehearse all their wrong and start blaming them again. That’s being negative and called backsliding! With all things considered, be neutral! You can honestly say “I don’t understand why they did, what they did, but I have to leave them in Gods’ hands and let him sort it out!” (Only God can separate the sugar from the salt!) This is God’s way of protecting you from backsliding into the darkness again! It’s also keeping you from feeling violated by saying they were right, when you knew they were wrong, and you just lied. Sometimes the middle road of neutral road is the high road1 Always take the high road!
13. By this time in your deliberate act of coming out of the pit, you have discovered that the more you keep yourself in the mercy of God by prayer, scripture and following God’s leading, the stronger you are becoming and the darkness is fading. The load is getting lighter! This I call putting distance between you and the hog trough you’re climbing out of. Again, it may take days or weeks to get to the next step. This is not an exercise in cognitive reading, but deliberately preparing our heart in coming out of the pit of darkness.
14. As we hold steady on this course, there are some things that are going to happen. The silent healing will have already started. Our faith is starting to live again and our hope is getting brighter and brighter. We are changing for the good! The sunlight is coming into full warmth. We may not be at the finish line but we can see it from here! Keep going forward! There will be setbacks. Triggers show up unexpectedly. You may fall back down, but God is still helping you. We may be cast down, but not forsaken. Get back up instantly and finish your climbing out of the pit. Standing close to the top is not the same as being out! Get back to taking deliberate steps out1 you’re almost there!
15. As we change on the inside, God is probably changing your environment. New friends, a different job, perhaps even moving to a different location. I have seen this so often and have recognized the pattern. It all depends on how far we have come in obeying Gods leading. We will continue to heal by obeying Gods leadership. Nobody else is capable of leading you out. Some may encourage you, but don’t shift your focus from Gods leadership to someone else just because they said something nice! Keep your focus on God and his word! Not somebody who encouraged you! Satan is good at sending someone with smooth sounding words that will detour you back into destruction. Stay focused on God and his word! Our hearts will begin to warm once again.
By that I mean, we will eventually start feeling sorry for those who have hurt us. This opens the door for praying for them and our prayers are not forced or fake. We really mean it. This is a true sign of spiritual growth. Its learning to love again through God’s love in us. Praying for our enemies is a prayer reserved for the victors! Others can pray for them, but NOBODY can touch heaven on their behalf like you can! God is well pleased when we get to that point, but that does not open the door for trust. Trust must be earned and that with great caution. It’s possible to never be able to trust them again. That’s a reality we must face and accept, even if they come to us and ask forgiveness. Don’t let them into your safety circle. They have to prove themselves for a long time before you will be willing to place your head on their chopping block again. You can put your head in the lion’s mouth if you want to, but remember: he has bitten you several times before. This is not bitterness, it’s the reality of don’t cast your pearls before swine! There are things people do that they will reap permanent damage from. It’s a sad reality we all must face and be warned of. Understanding that principle has nothing to do with bitterness. God my reach that person, just as he has reached you. But remember, trust must be earned.
Finally, as you grow in grace, testify to others what God has done for you. Simple forgiveness is great for simple offenses. But when the scars and trauma take over, simple forgiveness will not work. We must deliberately open the door to healing by our own hand, and that will take time. And if you meet someone who is struggling with some dark battle, share your victory with them! God will be much pleased, and so will you! One step into Glory and you will know, it was worth it!
Footnote: this experience is not unique to you! You can change the names, the places and who did what, but the end result will always be the same. Bitterness, resentment, hate, darkness, misery, anger, triggers, quirks, and so on. And the road out will also be the same. When satan starts telling you “Nobody understands”, you can call him a liar! You can also point to the multitudes in heaven, who have already trod this road, and still made it safely to Heaven!
Luke 15:17-23.
:17 And when he came to himself, he said, How many hired servants of my fathers have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger! :18 I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and before thee, :19 And am no more worthy to be called thy son: make me as one of thy hired servants. :20 And he arose, and came to his father. But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him. :21 And the son said unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in thy sight, and am no more worthy to be called thy son. :22 But the father said to his servants, Bring forth the best robe, and put it on him; and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet: :23 And bring hither the fatted calf, and kill it; and let us eat, and be merry: :24 For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found. And they began to be merry.