A Solitary place

My Testimony: A solitary place.

I have been home for some time now. There were issues in my own personal life that seriously needed to be delt with. Ideas and concepts that was wreaking havoc.. I understand there are some battles you must fight more than once to win, but these returning battles have destroyed me repeatedly.

 It has gone on for way to long, and needs to stop, But I didn’t know how. How could I?

  They became my besetting downfall battles.

If it were a physical thing, the answer would be easy.

If it were a spiritual issue, the victory would have been won a long time ago.

But this is a battle of concepts and expectations, of ideologies and what I thought was right, That kept dragging me down.

            In desperation I sought the lords help with many entreaties and fasting.  I sensed his leading to come away with him to “a solitary place.” A “place in the wilderness” to shut everything out, avoid people, and seek his face every day. Like having a personal revival, all by yourself, at home, every day, until you break through to victory.

Paul had his Arabia, David his Engedi, Moses his Desert, and Jesus his wilderness.

  I think everyone needs these “aloneness” times.  I certainly did, and God knew it.

It was in this “solitary place,” I had to face my realities.   It became clear I wasn’t saved. The battle had left me wounded and bitter. My focus shifted to getting saved. This didn’t happen right away. That too was a battle, fought with the mind, a wounded spirit, faith, conviction, fear and disappointments.   This was a struggle of many battles, sometimes winning, sometimes losing. But in the end, the lord came and assured me of victory and gave the witness within, the work was done!  The Joy of salvation was mine and running over!, and the devil was defeated again!

I wanted to go back to church and tell everyone. But I knew God was still saying no. you’re not ready yet.   I’m glad I obeyed and stayed home!  That very Sunday morning while church was going on, I had a hard battle against bitterness and u forgiveness. They were trying to get back in. I know Self dies hard, and satan doesn’t give up easy!

I knew if I was going to keep the joy of my salvation, I must remove this “spiritual drain”, drawing me into the darkness of unforgiveness and resentments. But emotions and memories are strong enemies.  I went to God and poured out my dilemma, asking for help.  His help came in a sweet inner peace! it wasn’t a “feel better peace”, it was a walking around the living room with tears of happiness running down my face type of peace! Thank you, Jesus! I had just passed a milestone! But my seeking was still in progress. I still needed to get Sanctified.  Finding a rest area beside the road, isn’t the same as being home!

So In prayer, in gods word, in meditations, in the spirits leading, in obedience, in faith and in surrender, I continued to seek him. My carnality came into view. God has helped me to see the many beams in my own eye, and to leave the motes up to him. God has helped me to see my own shallowness and selfish priorities. My pride and my stubbornness. My criticism with coldness, and my indifference.

  I had been running on intellect and emotions.    Understanding spiritual things, is not the same as having the power, to bring them into the reality of my life.  (This is the same problem many have with God and his word. they understand, they know, but they don’t have the power they are reading about, they only know about it!)  I was constantly falling back into the same slim pit of seeing glaring faults in others, rejecting them because of it, and being blind to my own!

  All this and more until under the shame and sadness of it all, I broke.  I saw how dark and miserable I was. and how my own sins and glaring faults were staring back at me.

I didn’t deserve any mercy from God, for I surley I had not given any out to others. I totally deserved his rejection. I hated my bad attitudes and cold spirit.  I wished he would let me die.

  I didn’t want to go on any further like this. I didn’t want to go on hurting Jesus and others and myself.

  I didn’t sense any glory or his presence that he was there, but never-the-less, he showed me a cross.  I knew it was for me. the “cross” can be a very difficult experience, or a very Glorious one!

The cross experience is: recognizing my faults, besetting sins, downfalls, short-comings, blind spots etc. etc. and wanting them out of my life!

Wanting them out bad enough to ask Jesus to crucify me and all my darkness, on his cross at Calvary!

Thus, the scripture was brought to pass, “I am crucified with Christ!”

That’s what the cross is for!

However, the very Idea of facing myself with all of my faults, can be very painful! An inmate once told me, solitary confinement is the worst “time” a prisoner can serve. Pulling time in solitary confinement, has driven men into insanity, if left there long enough, Even when some prisoners need solitary confinement for their own protection.  But being left alone, with yourself, and all the memories of your darkness, can be a living hell for most people. Not because they remember them, but they can’t escape them, and they magnify!

 It would be difficult to tell how badly I wanted on that cross. I saw a cross of deliverance from the self-life and sin. It wasn’t a cross to be feared, but one to embrace. The song ‘the mighty cross became a tree of life to me”, says it all.  I carried that burden for a while. I couldn’t get away from it.

 I was in (my usual place of holding down) the front room chair, that I saw and understood how wonderful and glorious God and Jesus were.  I saw my own wretchedness and darkness of the self-life.

    My spirit flew to him, and begged him to let me die on that cross! Take everything! Everything good, everything bad, and everything in between, and everything I ever thought to be!  and most of all take me!

 Complete surrender! The joy and the glory that came over me at that moment was very sacred and blessed! I was soaking it up like a dry sponge!  The peace that comes from heart rest, and the rest that comes from God, was mine! It is his rest, and he gives it to me! Praise God who does all things well!

 I can testify of his sanctifying power, and I’m still feeding on the manna the world knows nothing of! I’m still feeling his presence every day, and still reaching for more of him!  Sometimes we soar, sometimes we wait on him, but wherever he leads, follow!  For he knows what’s best for us! And sometimes he calls us to a solitary place.

  I’m Glad Jovanna had been able to attend the services at church. I miss her when she is gone.  But I needed a solitary place. Everyone needs a place in the wilderness, to get alone with God.  Everyone needs it at some time in their life.

  God knows who needs to follow him into the wilderness and be alone with him, and he knows when.

 When we commune with him one on one. It’s there we feel him the closest, it’s there we offer our greatest sacrifice.  It’s great to put our Isaacs on the alter, but it’s even greater when we take up OUR cross and be crucified with him, on his alter. Putting ourselves on that alter.

  I don’t know when God will lead me back to the vales with its bubbling brooks, because God is still working on me.  but until then, I’ll be right where he wants me, In a Solitary place.

Robert Bryan.

Note: while here in my solitary place, I have faced a week-long blizzard, car problems, snow drifts over the driveway that needed to be shoveled out by hand, snow drift on the porch that covered the door, effectively trapping us inside, lung infection, extreme fatigue, sleeplessness, Mind battles, record cold, (and it supposed to get worse), frozen water pipes, mice coming in, and more. Don’t think a solitary place is not going to be opposed by satan!

A solitary place is not the end of the world, but you can see it from there!